From housemate to reconnecting

My partner is more like my housemate. We share the same space, we talk only about our child, the programs we watch together and any upcoming plans we have. That is the usual sum total of our interactions.

But over the weekend something happened. We reconnected.

It was strange and it was amazing.

This is what happened:

Our little man wanted to play a game. It was houses/mummies and daddies. He became the dad and we (big man and I) became his children, Annabel and Isaac. It was a normal day. He woke us up, got us ready for school and then herded us into the car. I decided I was going to play up. Be impossible. Basically become my son! Awkward in the mornings just like he is ::I’m laughing as I write this because it was funny:: My little man was starting to get very frustrated with me and sulked off at this point because I wasn’t playing properly. Big man decided to play along as I was. We started to play fight and wind each other up. As siblings do.

Now our little man is livid with us and all we could do was roll around his bedroom laughing. I can not remember the last time we both laughed out loud together that wasn’t from watching the telly. And lets be honest we weren’t laughing together. We just happened to be sitting next to each other.

That was all it took! A truly shared experience, both being present in that moment.

We did eventually play how the little man wanted us to but it was enough for us connect.

For the rest of the weekend we laughed, touched and looked at each other. Enjoyed each others company.

I hope everyone had their own moment over the weekend. How ever it happened or with whoever, hold on to it for as long as you can.

These moments are fleeting. We need to work to keep it going.

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Still on the hamster wheel

Hi

I haven’t gone any where. I’m still running madly in the hamster wheel.

Schools out this week and so much for lie-ins and being laid back. We’re dashing from one place to another. Little man is off to sport camp today. Eeekkk it’s our 1st time for something like that and to be honest I’m a little nervous. Its for 3 1/2 hrs. This is the longest he’s been in this kind of environment. I know he will have fun and be fine. It’s the mother worrier in me.

I’ll pop back later tonight and post what we’ve been upto since I last managed to get on here.

At some point in this blog I will become a daily blogger! Watch this space.

Hope the lighter mornings are making it easier to get up, out and about. Giving everyone a new bounce ready for spring.

See you all later

xx

At some p

Sunday Contemplation

I spent yesterday with a best friend. We had a brilliant catch-up. She’s presently living in Amsterdam so I haven’t seen her in person since January 1st. I miss seeing her name in my diary for coffee dates.

And we got into the usual heavy thinking part of our “so… what’s going on then?” And I hedged because I didn’t want to voice out loud what was in my head. Now I’m not putting it here either. I will discuss it with both my best friends at some point.

But right now I’m not sure how to put it into words. If I even want to.

But after our conversation I had a startling revelation. I want my blog to be uplifting for me, and in turn for you. That’s not to say I won’t share the other stuff. But my thinking is, if I strive to stay light, not in my content, but in my demeanor I’m hoping it will have an external effect to how I see things and hopefully my actions will change also.

So to that end on certain days it is harder for me to blog (three days a week I go to bed early because I’m at work for 4am). I am determined to blog everyday until it’s a habit. So my plan is to have some inspirational quotes ready to post, posts about my favourite books. Music I’m loving at the moment. And I’m now carrying a notebook around with me to write the super duper cute things my little man says. By blogging every day, I don’t think about it. I just write. I’m hoping you want to read my ramblings and that I actually have something interesting to write.

Tomorrow I’m going to start by writing what my typical day looks like. You will be my accountability for being rubbish and procrastinating. Not giving my little man 100% of my attention. He starts school in September and I truly feel like I’ve wasted the last 4 years together. But no more. We’re having fun and dates.

Thanks for reading

Good night all

xxx

Talk Saturday

Here’s a fact about me that most people don’t know. I’m the 2nd born of 6 children. I love my big family and I love the energy when I’m in a friends house and they have older kids running around. I want that. I want more children.

But I’m not sure I’m willing to risk the upset of what another child would do.

Thanks for reading a highly edited post. Have a good Saturday night everyone

Xxx

Wednesdays Whammy

Sat in a cafe, laughing cackling with two girlfriends. Having coffee and a cheeky breakfast. We needed to meet this week because one friends baby is due on Saturday.

So picture the scene, tucking into my breakfast with gusto, enjoying the peace of freedom that comes with a child in Preschool. I feel something off….

Not quite right with the world. So I look up to see what is going to disturb my peace. I should have kept my head down and hope it goes away.

My father. A man I have had very little to do with since my parents split. 17 years ago. Don’t get me wrong I’d tried numerous times, just to end up feeling hurt and ridiculous.

So about 2 years ago when he decided to kick my brother out of his home I thought, NO that’s enough. You’re not being let near my life again. Why did he kick him out? My brother is hard to get along with. I couldn’t live with him. Not for 10 seconds. But just because his partner, the woman he left my mum for, realised that she can’t change my brother, read this as CONTROL HIM. She wanted him out and to be left with nothing. She did a sterling job. No home or job. They made it seem like such an amazing deal, come live here, get away from unsavory influences, get a job.

Two years later he’s back at mum’s. No job, barely a relationship with his daughter since he’d moved 45 minutes away with no transport and lousy working patterns. And up to his eyes in debt.

Geez thanks for the help dad.

I could blog for hours at the awful stuff this man has pulled in the last 17 years. Actually I can go back further, he was a rotten dad to my older sister.

To say that I was shocked to see him was an understatement. I’m just sat stressing “What problem is he here to cause this time”. The last time I know of any family contact was when Grandad passed away, and he made it all about him!

We were in close proximity for 40 minutes and we shared three words. That’s it!

Does he regret this? Does he regret his behaviour over the last 17 years. I ask this but I know I don’t actually care. Two reasons-

Too Little, Too Late

And he doesn’t have the back bone to stand up to his lady friend. I struggle to call her anything civilised. Lady Friend is as good as it gets!

So after Facebook chat with siblings it turns out he’s here to post a letter to my oldest brother. It’s not an important letter, he could have popped it in the post. Instead he drove 45 minutes to post a letter, and have a coffee and slice of toast. Then he drove 45 minutes home.

Bored or something else??

I only know what he had because my friend was instantly intrigued with the situation and was desperate to go ask him what he wanted lol She spent the next 40 minutes turning her head keeping a close eye on him. A spy she will never make 😀 

Thank you for reading my rambling and dropping by

See you soon

xx

Catch-up January

Its January 22nd, but it won’t be posted until tomorrow. I’m getting ahead because I feel the need to write.

January has been a month of goodbyes, trip to the hospital and a chance to start making the changes I want.

My best friend started a new job in Amsterdam. So I said goodbye to her on 1st January. So I’m learning how to Skype and WhatsApp.

Skype is going to take some getting used to. I don’t like mirrors, at all. So sitting looking at myself for 2 hours is off putting. Can anyone tell me how to turn it off. Do I really need to see myself?

I have a date planned with my very best friend on Friday. We are off to afternoon tea. I feel so blessed that the 2 days she has back here to see her husband, she’s spending half a day with me. Then I will be booking my flight and joining her for a girlie weekend in Amsterdam. See her new pad, hit the shops and of course out for food.

Update – Best Friend is feeling unwell so may not being meeting her tomorrow for afternoon tea 😦

I had a week of bad health and lots of pain. I hate to say it I took an awful lot of strong painkillers to get me through. I saw a consultant but basically told to suck it up, there is no action they can take. Just have to wait a little till me body handles it. It did eventually. I just about managed. If it wasn’t for the Big Man finally stepping up and helping, we wouldn’t have eaten that week.  I’m all fine now, just still trying to catch up on the laundry and the little mans bedroom toy explosion.

I was very ambitious about what I expected from myself this year. I’m making a good start. I could say something negative but I’m giving myself a break from being overly critical and praising myself for all the little things.  We all need to give ourselves a pat on the back and stop ragging on ourselves. It doesn’t help. There is enough in the world to make us feel bad about ourselves.